So, He’s Really Not Going To Just Knock On My Door???

I LOVE staying in chilling on the couch watching TV on the weekends!

Shout out to me!!! LOL

Shout out to me!!! LOL

My weeks are usually pretty busy & I don’t go to bed like normal people so I’m typically worn out by Friday night.

I do like hanging out with my friends and we always have a blast but if they don’t want to hang out I’m like DVR here I come.

If I have 2 weekends in a row home then I usually want to get out…usually LOL!

People always say how are you going to meet somebody if you don’t get out of the house.

My first question… you mean Mr. Right is not going to come to my door? I mean he is supposed to be looking for me duh.

 My second question… where do you meet him? The people say church. I don’t miss many Sunday’s and I have NEVER met anyone at church.

When I am out with my friends I can count on one hand literally how many times I have been approached and I would probably have fingers left over.

I’m not aggressive, kind of old fashion…I want someone to approach me. Back in the day that was how it worked. But now people say you have to approach him, buy him a drink. Ummm…

Believe it or not I am shy…I know you are shocked. Not in general but if I am interested in a guy all this coolness you see goes out the window.

On top of my shyness I have a huge fear of rejection! On a scale of 1-10…It’s 1 million!

I know, no one likes to get rejected but it’s a part of life blah, blah, blah…well, I am not about that life.

I know I am almost 40 so something has to change I mean clearly my way isn’t working.

Or I could start ordering regularly from UPS or Fed-Ex and answer the door in my date outfits with mascara and lip gloss until Mr. Right comes knocking. Don’t knock it, it could work.

But seriously I know I need to put my big girl panties on and be more open, take chances, and break-up with my DVR and Netflix. I mean this journey to 40 is about growth. This is going to be hard!

Let’s all pray for me…okay?


Almost 40


I Have A Confession!!!

My name is CaNesha and I BUY FIRST DATE CLOTHES (head hung in shame)!!

Reasons why I buy date clothes...can't be caught in cargos LOL!

Reasons why I buy date clothes…can’t be caught in cargos on a 1st date LOL!

Often times when I’m out shopping I will see a dress or skirt and I’m like this would be so cute for a date and I buy it…although I have no date or a prospect for a date.

Please tell me I’m not the only one.

Thankfully, most of my “date clothes” end up being work/church clothes with different shoes. I can’t show everything on a first date so I buy according to that rule which is why it can be worn other places.

I need to stop but in my head when I get a date I would prefer not to rush out to the mall and try to find something because we all know when you are looking you can never find anything.

In addition to that men are visual so the first date outfit has to be on point, which means it needs to be planned…but I probably only need one not 10 LOL!

As I am realizing I may have problem I thought I should do some research about first date clothes.

I read an article that broke down how the style and color you wear determines the type of impression you will make:

  • Red-Sexy & Seductive
  • Black-Looking for Love
  • Artsy Style-Highly Intelligent
  • Too Dressy-Low Self Esteem
  • Conservative-Reliable
  • Unique-Interesting
  • Showing skin-Ovulating

So basically on my first date I need to wear black and show skin…I’m 38 no need for beating around the bush LOL!!

But do men really know what any of this means…stay tuned for a future blog to find out!

So, yes I am trying to do things differently since I’m knocking on 40’s door but my dad always says “if you stay ready, you don’t have to get ready”. So, yeah I will probably keep buying “date clothes”.


Almost 40

There’s Hope…

It’s no secret I have always wanted to be married with kids…but in my 20’s there wasn’t a loss of hope. I don’t think I even really considered it wouldn’t happen. And I definitely wasn’t concerned about my eggs.

But at 38 there is a lot of doubt and uncertainty that it just may not happen and as much as I try to keep hope doubt seems to come in.

So, when I hear stories like Kim Coles it gives me hope!

I am always happy when people get married…I love, love. I’m a hopeless romantic but when I read Kim Coles story about her marriage it was personal for me.

Coles is 53 and found love. And in addition to her age I liked what she said about finding him…“[My heart] was open just enough for Reggie to come though”.



It made me wonder if my heart is really open…I know I say I want it but is there an opening for someone.

Sometimes I wonder if I am putting so much emphasis on it happening that I can’t focus enough to simply get it.

I’m not sure but I do know this is just another thing on my list to figure out before 40.

SN: Coles husband is 12 years younger than her… you go girl! I’m not sure about that one but stranger things have happened. You can’t help who you fall in love with right?

In addition to my marital bliss hope…Tami Roman (The Real World & Basketball Wives) just announced at 45 she is pregnant…more hope. I know as we get older it’s risky but the thought that it can happen makes me smile.

At the end of the day I have no clue what my future holds but stories like these make me feel a little better about it.


Almost 40

The Positive Side Of Single Life!!

I do enjoy my company! LOL

I do enjoy my company! LOL

There are worse things than being alone. But it often takes decades to realize this. And most often when you do, it’s to late. And there’s nothing worse than too late.

-Charles Bukowski

Happy Friday People!

This has been one of those weeks (TGIF) and I was in my feelings a little to much so I decided to kick the weekend off by sharing with you and myself some positive things about being single.

Here we go:

The toilet seat will never be up…no falling in when you wake up in the middle of the night and refuse to turn the lights on ( I know I’m not the only one).

Shaving your legs a lot less or not at all in the winter… don’t give me that look you know it’s a chore. But if no one lives with you who cares. If I have on pants no one will ever know!

Only one set of laundry to do…I wear a lot of clothes during the week so doing MY laundry is enough.

Keep your home at whatever temperature your heart desires…no one to complain it’s to hot, it’s to cold. It is just how YOU like it.

Cook whatever you want for dinner…this basically means I could just eat a bowl of cereal & that’s okay.

Last but not least…no checking in with anybody I can get up & go when I please.

These are just a few things that make me happy about being single…now would I change all of this for the RIGHT man… absolutely. But until then it’s just me, myself, & I…enjoying this life!

I would love for you all to add to my list, please leave what you enjoy about being single or enjoyed when you were single in the comments and I will post them all in a future blog.  Can’t wait to read them!

I hope you all have a great weekend…I plan to!


Almost 40

About Last Night…


Yes, it is all caps and bold because I am in my feelings!

** Disclaimer** This blog is my thoughts how I’m feeling at the time…I am not depressed nor have I stopped living. This blog is to simply get my feelings and thoughts out about this thing called life at almost 40 & not being where I planned to be at this age. But I promise I am not close to the ledge LOL!

Now back to the regularly scheduled program!

If you have been following my blog the whole 2 weeks I have been blogging then you will remember in my first post I said sometimes the blog will be about the fact that being single isn’t that bad and sometimes it will be about why being single sucks!

Well, today people here comes a post about when single life sucks.

Last night I went to see Floetry…first of all I was so hype when I heard they were reuniting because I am a fan and have been since day one. And the show was awesome but this is not the point.

The point is my feelings and me living in them last night.

Going to concerts with friends is always a good time but there are just some concerts you are like dang wish I had a boo. Floetry is one of them.

I was literally sitting across from a couple!!! WTH City Winery like for real ask if it’s a single ticket or for a couple when we purchase ugh!! Don’t put me at a small table with a couple directly across from me…who does that??

Songs like Floetic, SupaStar, and Mr. Messed Up you can rock out to those.

But umm when they start singing Say Yes, Lay Down, Getting late, Opera & Marsha had the audacity to sing Your hands…come on respect the single people!! Got me  wondering, hoping for a boo and then reality hits…You don’t have one, not even a prospect SMH. Again being single sucks!

Hilarious to me!! And I do have a fridge woot!! LOL

Hilarious to me!! And I do have a fridge woot!! LOL

In my usual way I had to bring myself back…so I started to see the positives. I was able to buy my ticket to the concert, I was able to buy dinner before the show, and I had a car that got me there. Yep, I’m single but as the people say I am blessed and highly favored. And really at the end of the day life goes on so I am almost ready to step out of my feelings…maybe by lunch time.

But if I’m being honest even with all of that said…boo single life. LOL!


Almost 40

A Holiday Weekend!


Woe is me/Truth Blog coming

This was a great weekend…got out of the city, met some new people and I did wear lip gloss and mascara on Saturday LOL!

It was one of those weekends that was chill, no real plans…treated myself to a few things I didn’t really need but why not.

As much fun as I had there was that part of me that thought how nice it would be to have a BBQ with a husband & kid (s).

Another one of my visions...smh!

Another one of my visions…smh!

It’s that part of me that I want to tap out, the part that didn’t get the memo to Let Go & Let God. The part that is always worrying about things that I can’t change.

I want to shut this part of me off but for some reason I can’t…and I’m not sure how.

I have gone through all the steps…I pray often and have given it over to God or so I think.

But there is that small part of me that wonders when it will happen. That is the part that makes appearances on days like the 4th of July.

It kind of goes back to me planning…I have also planned how I want my family life to go, how my house will look, and how holidays will work.

And as much as I say its okay, it will work out. It’s pretty obvious I don’t believe that fully.

Which makes me wonder is that why I am almost 40 and still single. I’m still trying to help God instead of letting him work it out.

I don’t have all the answers and I’m not sure if I ever will…that is not why this blog was started. It was started to get my truth out, my thoughts, and my concerns with the hopes that someone else can relate and/or give me some advice. Or we can just share.

There will be more holidays and I don’t know if that little part of me will rear its ugly head but I will keep praying and living my life and trying to blocking it out. Or you may get another woe is me blog.

I’m sure by the time you read this my moment will be over and I’ll be back at work where I don’t have time to think but a free weekend with no plans keeps my brain going.

I’m not beating myself up because I acknowledged my feelings, had my moment and I’m going to get up tomorrow and keep living. He will find me…one day!


Almost 40

MASCARA! wear it or not

Mascara…to wear it or not

Cue Jazmine Sullivan Voice:

So I never leave the house without make-up on,
I keep mascara in my pocket if I’m running to the market
Cause you never know who’s watching you
So I got to stay on, I got to stay on

Insert Record Scratch…

Yeah, this is not me…I am notorious for running out the house looking any kind of way! I know before you say it. I have heard it all.

He could be at the grocery store, at the red light, at the pump…who knows.

Here is my dilemma; I want a man to like me for me, not the me with make-up on, spanx, hair coiffed. Just me in sweats and a t-shirt.

I have this fear that once he sees me without all of that it’s over because I misrepresented myself. Overthinking it…maybe but I would rather meet him au natural.

I have heard to many stories of guys saying she didn’t look like this when we met…I DO NOT want to be her.

I know your next response…how’s that working for me?

Umm, you know the answer…I am almost 40 now what lol!

Change is good; well that’s what the people say. They also say to get something you want, you have to do something you’ve never done.

So, I am going to try not to leave the house looking a mess, if I’m being really honest there have been times I have hid from people because I looked so awful.

I am going to try and keep it cute all the time…who am I kidding most of the time. Not just when I’m going out with friends. Even to the grocery store. Pray for me!

I’m starting this weekend; it’s a holiday weekend at that so I’m going to try this out.

My name is CaNesha and I will not leave the house without mascara and lip gloss… let’s see how this goes.

It’s hot though so the spanx may not get to go out!

At the end of the day I may never know why I haven’t found the one yet but I can continue to work on me until he comes. I mean I’m not getting any younger.

As the song says you never know who’s watching.

I got this…I think!


Almost 40

The word Single!

Single as an adjective:

  • Not having or including another
  • Only one
  • Not married or not having a serious romantic relationship with someone

Single as a noun:

  • An unmarried person and especially one who is young and socially active

So, this is who I am in a nutshell…interesting right?

Why did I look this up? I wanted to know when I said I was single what does that really mean, what am I saying.

Yes, I’m single but I’m living, I’m laughing, and having fun.

No, I don’t have another and yes I am only one but one can be fun. Netflix and junk food…can you say best time ever!

Then this “especially one who is young and socially active” what if you aren’t young but you are only one then what are you??? I need to have a discussion with Webster.

I say all of that to get to this…this word just makes you feel something. For some people they are happy about, others it makes them sad. And some just don’t care.

As for me there are times I’m content with it…happy maybe to strong of a word and if I’m being honest there are times I get sad about it. Either way I always care!

Regardless of how you feel about this word… the word changes you, it makes you feel something…puts you in a category, makes you different.

Today, I’m okay with being single but even as I type it I feel something. By the time I post this I could be having a woe is me moment.

But what I do know is that I want a new word because I just don’t like the way it makes me feel!

Is it just me?

Any suggestions on a new word?


Almost 40

I’m not a Player I just Crush a lot!!

No Pun intended…get it! LOL ROTF!

It’s Man Crush Monday (MCM) …so I thought I would let you all know more about me, have some fun and make this blog a little more interactive.

This is my first MCM but I’m single, I have many crushes…so I thought I would start sharing. Well, the ones that are unattainable. The others are a secret…for now!

Plus, Monday’s are the days we don’t like to see, so why not look at some hotness. We can go back to figuring out this thing called life Wednesday!

Sometimes I think…am I to old to have a crush…heck no!

I’m single not dead!!

This week I will share with you my biggest crush (not a surprise to some). In my head if we ever meet (that is, if for some reason he gets a divorce, just saying) he will want to marry me. Had I moved to Atlanta instead of Nashville I am sure we would have gotten married.

Delusional? Maybe, but I love him!


He needs no introduction!

Since I am letting you all into my world I have a secret to tell you. I have an older crush and I was crushing on him when I was young. No clue why but he was so handsome to me and still is. When he married Nia Peeples I remember my heart sank. I was young give me a break. I think he’s single now so I have a chance. This blog could turn into something else…CaNesha & Howard sitting in a tree K I S S I N G. LOL

This is for the lover in you

This is for the lover in you

Ok, I have shared my Man Crushes with you all…now tell me yours. Leave them in the comments; share on my IG (DivaDoll_13) or on FB (CaNesha Gordon). I can’t wait to see/read your crushes.

Almost 40











Single is not a disease I caught that penicillin can’t cure and I’m pretty sure I’m not going to die from it.

This is what I tell myself 75-80% of the time.

Been single to long..I'm about this life!

Been single to long..I’m about this life!

Ohhh but that 20-25% I have major woe is me moments. They go something like this:

Why Lord Why…what did I do wrong?

Lord, I try and live right, where is he?

And my favorite…I mean dang am I ugly??

I’m sure there are more but you get it.

I don’t and I won’t apologize for having these moments because I’m human and overly sensitive but I realize I have to bring myself back.

So, how do I bring myself back…I remind myself of all the good in my life.

I have a great family and seriously the best parents a girl could ask for. I have a great group of sister friends who take me just as I am. I enjoy my job, I don’t live outdoors, and I have a car with air…it can’t get much better right! Well, maybe that whole husband & kid thing!

Sometimes it feels like I’ll be single forever and that’s when the moments start and other times I’m living my life like it’s golden. But I think that’s what makes me, me and why I started this blog. And now I have you all my readers (praise break…I have readers woo hoo) to share this journey with.

I believe that it is okay to have these moments because sometimes for lack of a better word…it just sucks! But I also know that life will go on. In the words of my mom…just keep living!


Almost 40